In a post I wrote a few days ago, I suggested that we may be better off striving to become our authentic selves rather than spending time trying to get people to like or love or include us. That did however, beg the question of how do we become our authentic selves. The short answer is to dig deep to define your values and then live them. The Quakers have a saying, to “Let your life speak.” At minimum, that means our daily actions should reflect our inward values. But getting to that point is a bit of a lift. In his book titled Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, Parker Palmer – a Quaker teacher – suggests that in order to understand how to live our lives, we need to be deliberate about the values we hope to espouse and uphold. There are six values which the Quakers call Testimonies, that are the core of how Quakers aspire to live. These testimonies are: Simplicity • Peace • Integrity • Community • Equality and Stewardship. One of the reasons I was drawn to Quakerism is because these testimonies are pretty much how I was raised to live. They make sense to me. Whether or not they make sense to you is something only you can answer. The real issue is not whether these Quaker testimonies fit you, but how deeply did you dig in order to figure out what values you want to define you. If you are to let your life speak – what is the foundational belief driving your daily decisions, because it is in the day to day where we are tested against our ideal. If we don’t “own” our values; if they are something we picked up in a book and attached to our lives, then we won’t have the fortitude to adhere to them when life calls us to task and forces us to choose between unconscionable options. I believe that we all know – intuitively – how we want to live; what we want to be; how we wish our lives to unfold. But most often, we don’t take the time to listen to that inner voice guiding us. We don’t do the hard work of sifting out the noise from the true leadings of our heart. And, hard work is exactly what it takes to understand our personal vocations and to define how we want to live and how we hope to treat others. When I’m faced with deep questions such as what values define me, I turn to a combination of meditation and journaling to find the answers. I use meditation to quiet my mind so I can better hear the voice of my soul. I use journaling to provide clarity to what I hear. Even still, the answers don’t come easily and they certainly don’t come quickly. Defining who we are and what values we espouse is an ongoing process; but one well worth the effort. If I want to let my life speak – I better have a clear understanding of the message I hope to convey. And, unfortunately that clarity doesn’t come in a flashing neon sign as we drive down the street. It comes, one quiet but certain whisper at a time. We just have to learn to listen.
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Lately, I’ve been thinking about the concept of what it means to be worthy. I’m reading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection, written by Brené Brown and this topic is one she highlights. In her research, Brown finds that the people who are the most compassionate, the most vulnerable, the most courageous and the most loving are the ones who believe they are worthy of being loved. Many of us – myself included – will say that I will be worthy IF……if I say or do the right thing, If I get good grades, If I get into the right college, if I lose weight, if I am accepted by the right people, if I get the right job, if I get promoted; and on and on. Funny thing is, that type of feeling worthy is a trap. It is a never ending chase of trying to answer the question: “am I good enough”. If that is the type of worthiness we seek, we will never be good enough; we will never be worthy enough. The fact of the matter is – we are all a work in progress. Many of us never lose that weight, are too shy to speak up and seldom say the right thing or we don’t get the job we want or the promotion we desire, or we bomb a test, or we don’t get into the right college. And then what? Does that mean we are not worthy; that we are not valued; that we are not loved or lovable? Chasing to be “good enough” is a goal that we can never achieve because there will always be one more hurdle to overcome. There will always be some place where we don’t measure up. The problem really is that often; we are trying to be what we think others want us to be. Brown has a helpful piece of advice and it is this: strive to be authentic rather than to be liked. If our goal is to be liked, more often than not we will be disappointed. Striving to be liked puts the power outside of ourselves. Someone else has to “like” us. Striving to be authentic keeps the focus on thoughts or actions that I control. I choose whether or not I act in an authentic way. I have also been thinking about this idea of worthiness in the context of my relationship with God. I’ve been struggling with the inherent paradox between humility and worthiness. I used to be a Catholic. Before receiving communion during the Catholic Mass, there is a prayer offered which states “Lord I am not worthy to receive you. Only say the word and my soul shall be healed.” That is a prayer of humility. It says I am not worthy of God’s love. But yet, we are also told that just by the very nature of being human, we are loved as a child of God; that we are worthy of God’s love. How can one be both worthy and unworthy at the same time? I am humbled by the fact that there is nothing I can do or say to make myself worthy of God. And yet, there is nothing I NEED to do or say in order to receive God’s grace and love. I am good enough, just as I am. I don’t have to try and be something I am not. I don’t have to improve who I am. I can be authentically me. I am God’s beloved. We are all God’s beloved. And that is good enough. I met my granddaughter Ava for the first time last week. My wife and I spent eight days holding her, caring for her, playing with her, feeding her, changing her and pretty much watching her for the entire time. She – like any infant - is such a miracle and a mystery. I have to believe that any parent or grandparent who cradles an infant in their arms, close to their heart is quickly confronted with the idea of history and lineage. I know I had to stop and think about all of the couples and all of the circumstances that came together from the beginning of time to create this unique human being; that there has been no one like Ava before and there will be no one like her after she is gone. She is a blessing. We are all a blessing.
At seven weeks old, I know that Ava couldn’t understand me, but I talked to her any way. I talked to her incessantly. I told her stories of her great grandmother who is now 100 years old – my mom – who played basketball on a traveling basketball team in 1934. I told her about her aunt Rachel who has a big heart; who is teaching in a city school and who never saw a sport she wasn’t ready to conquer. I told her about her other aunt who has faced the difficulties of life and who has learned to thrive and survive. I told her about her grandmother – my wife – who was a flight for life nurse and who saved people’s lives. I told her about my sisters who are successful business women but who will stand in front of a bullet for anyone in our family. I told her all these stories because stories matter. Knowing where you came from and who you came from matters. As she grows, Ava will have her own story to tell. She will make her own way through this life, just as each of us has done. But, I will make certain that she is steeped in the stories of the men and women who make up her genes. I will help her to understand that family matters and that we are all here to serve others. In her video blog, Defining A Movement, Katherine Center says “What you do matters. You must be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.” Baby Ava comes from a long line of strong and brave women. Now it is her turn to tell her story; one that will matter. I can’t wait to watch it unfold. |
AuthorMichael Soika has been a community activist for more than 30 years working on issues of social and economic justice. His work for justice is anchored by his spiritual formation first as a Catholic and now as a Quaker. Archives
June 2018
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